It’s been a while.
One of the problems of blogging about – at times – such personal thing is that when everything isn’t going quite as rosy as you’d like, it can be hard to admit.
I stopped counting calories on holiday, a big step in my recovery journey. This enabled me to eat a greater variety of foods, and more of them. Because when I didn’t know how many calories were being consumed, I found myself less worried about it.
So I got even more into baking than I had been before. And I baked. I baked, and baked until my kitchen was overflowing with sweet treats and I just HAD to eat them all up.
Of course, no matter how much exercise a person does there is a limit to the amount of indulgence that you can partake in before gaining weight. I believe I exceeded that limit. Now we’re not talking piling on the pounds, in fact the weight gain has been barely noticeable and would probably have been overlooked had I not been unable to break the daily weighing habit that has stuck around despite the leaps I’ve been making in recovery. So the scale says I’ve gained a little.
And whereas most people would barely acknowledge such tiny change in their weight, for someone who is recovering from an eating disorder, it isn’t quite that simple. Despite the fact that I probably needed to gain weight, because all of the running and (accidental) accompanying weight loss sort of made me stop getting periods (I know… doesn’t sound healthy, right?), this little weight change has caught me off guard.
The reason I have avoided this blog is because I didn’t want to admit that. I’m supposed to be super healthy all the time now. I’m not supposed to freak out about weight gain. I’m not supposed to try and maintain an artificially low weight. I should be embracing whatever weight my body is comfortable at.
But it isn’t that simple. Perfectionism is probably one of my biggest vices. And if part of recovery from an eating disorder is learning to accept imperfection, then why should I expect the process of recovery itself to be perfect?
It isn’t. And I am not.
So I will break my three week blog-draught with an admission: I am not perfect. And I am learning to be okay with that. I am also learning to let my body be whatever weight it wants. The key word here is learning, because I am most certainly not there yet. It’s a work in progress.
Saying that, I did decide that perhaps I was baking a little too much and letting my previously healthy-to-the-point-of-obsession diet slide. I think this has been part of the journey. I went the other way for a few weeks, indulging a little too often and choosing treats rather than my usual healthy snacks of fruit, and veg, and wholefood bars. So I learned to enjoy foods that would previously have stirred up guilt – for consuming a lot of calories, but also for filling up on something that didn’t contribute anything nutritious to my diet.
Now I’ve decided that it’s time to find a balance. Of course I still love to bake, and I’m not going to stop doing that. I also enjoy cooking, and I think I’m going to put some of my energy into playing with savoury foods a little more. And maybe some healthy treats (I’ve always wanted to make my own snack bars).
With that in mind, I listened to my hunger as much as possible today and tried to respond with my body’s nutritional needs in mind. With no sugary alternatives, my post-dinner snack was a bowl of fruit and yogurt.
I got myself into a bit of a fruit rut – which may have contributed to my desire for baked goods where before I’d be happy with an apple – and so I decided to jazz it up a bit. Admittedly my idea of ‘jazz’ just involved buying a passionfruit (the first one EVER!) and a kiwi (not the first one, but not a fruit that features in my kitchen often).
I also added some clementines that I bought the other day (to make this vinaigrette – absolutely delicious!). I was so excited when I saw that they had leaves on. It feels so festive!
To my absolutely beautiful, vibrantly coloured fruit bowl I added some soy yogurt.
I’ve got to admit, the addition of the yogurt did take something away aesthetically! It tasted lovely though. And I felt so much better for having eaten something nutritious.
I have also discovered a love of sandwiches lately. It’s getting expensive – the hummus salad on multigrain bread that’s on offer at the deli right by my house has tempted me too many times when I’ve needed a quick snack to keep me going while studying (epistemological debates really whet my appetite).
So today I realised that instead of spending my very limited student budget on sandwiches that other people have made for me, why not make them myself? And being the natural-type that I am, this doesn’t mean buying store bought bread and fillings and just putting them together myself.
It means making the bread myself too. With the assistance of my very dear friend, the Panasonic SD-257 Breadmaker.
(I was once a breadmaker snob, and insisted upon making loaves with my bare hands. I shunned modern technology, determined to learn the fine art of traditional breadmaking. It turns out I’m not very good at it, and have neither the time nor the patience to improve. Still wanting an alternative to commercially manufactured bread, I gave in and bought the best breadmaker I could find. It’s one of the most worthwhile purchases I ever made – not only do I adore it but self-titled bread connoisseur Matt loves it too, and we now make all of our bread at home).
It has all sorts of settings – white, wholewheat, gluten free, rye, pizza, loads of fancy breads and cakes, dough… and a funky raisin dispenser that drops nuts, seeds, raisins or whatever else you want to add into the dough at just the right point.
The dough setting on the machine is great fun, because you toss all of the ingredients in and three hours later, it produces near-perfect (we’re not aiming for perfection, remember!) dough that just needs to be shaped, proofed and baked.
I made a batch, and decided to shape it into six large breadrolls. I could have got more out of it, but I wanted them to be sandwich-sized!
After they’d risen in the oven, I added some extras.
After a quick 12 minutes in the oven, they came out slightly crispy, and baked to perfection.
I brushed them with a little soy milk mixed with maple syrup before adding the pepitas and poppy seeds, and I’m hoping that it’ll add some extra flavour. But I’ll have to wait and see because I haven’t tried one yet! I’m waiting until tomorrow, when I make a sandwich to take to uni.
So I’m going to use some of my kitchen-ergy (see what I did there?) to make nutritious, healthy foods. Of course this doesn’t mean I’m going to stop baking, and it doesn’t mean that I’m denying myself treat foods.
But having an eating disorder is like hanging onto a giant pendulum, which swings wildly between extremes. And part of recovery is using every ounce of strength to hold it still somewhere in the middle, and find that balance. It’s a monumental task, and one which I’m still working on – but I think I’ve taken some big steps lately, and I’m proud of every single one.
I just need to learn that it’s okay to write about the tough times, too.